Hope is now 21 months, she is says probably up to 30-35 words and is starting to put two word sentences together. Every night before bed, if we are not running late, I read to her. One of her favorite books is a Karen Katz "Baby's Colors" Every page starts out "Baby sees.....". As I am reading each page she is pointing to the picture of the baby and is saying "bebe". On one page she does this and I say "that's right Hope! Baby! And you are Momma's baby!" As soon as I said that, she quickly turns to me with a big smile, kisses me and gives me a hug.
In the frustrations of every day life and the feelings of being inadequate, God knows how to make it all go away.
1/18/11
1/6/11
In A Year
It has been a little over a year since I have posted....things got a little busy. A lot has happened in the year's time. Let's see, a review of last year:
My mom came to visit as she does every winter. She usually comes around January and stays till April. She goes back and forth between my home and her sister's in Hawthorne. Things get a little crazy when she is here as she is not one to sit still for very long. There are always projects to do, stores to go to, and lists to be made. My time is hers.
Hope will be two years old in three months. Did I just type that? I cannot believe how time has flown with her. She is changing every day and becoming such an independent sort. She looks like me and acts like her Daddy all day long. The biggest event that has taken place in the last year is that I returned to work when Hope was 15 months old. It was hard but necessary. I know I got a lot more time than most working moms do and I am so thankful for that. I praise Jesus that we found a wonderful daycare for her to go to. It is in a church and Hope LOVES it. Every morning after breakfast, she grabs her little Disney Princess backpack and heads to the door saying "Dayca". She squeals with delight and claps her hands when we pull into the parking lot. As much I hate the separation from her, it does this Momma's heart good to know she is well loved there. It sure makes going to work every day a lot easier. It has been an adjustment schedule wise in regards to quality time with her and getting housework, laundry, groceries etc done. I have had to let some things go and not be such a control freak. I particularly miss my Tuesday's with Heather. The great thing about a best friend is when we can get together like we did over Christmas break, it is like there has been no lapse in time since our last get together and even though we don't talk every day we know we are both a phone call away and will be ready to run to other if needed.
Hope actually takes naps now! My last post at 8 months, she was not taking regularly scheduled naps. She takes one nap at daycare and on the weekends or on my days off she will take two! One the morning around 9:30 and one in the afternoon around 2:00. They are anywhere from 1.5 to 2 hrs. That in itself is a miracle!
I am going to try to post more often than once a year - not so much for gaining readers (ha!) but just to chronicle Hope's life and memories with her. I realize so much has happened that has not been recorded. Considering I will be 62 when she is 20, I need something to help me remember when she asks me what she was like as a baby, toddler etc. So here is to a New Year and a fresh start at blogging!
My mom came to visit as she does every winter. She usually comes around January and stays till April. She goes back and forth between my home and her sister's in Hawthorne. Things get a little crazy when she is here as she is not one to sit still for very long. There are always projects to do, stores to go to, and lists to be made. My time is hers.
Hope will be two years old in three months. Did I just type that? I cannot believe how time has flown with her. She is changing every day and becoming such an independent sort. She looks like me and acts like her Daddy all day long. The biggest event that has taken place in the last year is that I returned to work when Hope was 15 months old. It was hard but necessary. I know I got a lot more time than most working moms do and I am so thankful for that. I praise Jesus that we found a wonderful daycare for her to go to. It is in a church and Hope LOVES it. Every morning after breakfast, she grabs her little Disney Princess backpack and heads to the door saying "Dayca". She squeals with delight and claps her hands when we pull into the parking lot. As much I hate the separation from her, it does this Momma's heart good to know she is well loved there. It sure makes going to work every day a lot easier. It has been an adjustment schedule wise in regards to quality time with her and getting housework, laundry, groceries etc done. I have had to let some things go and not be such a control freak. I particularly miss my Tuesday's with Heather. The great thing about a best friend is when we can get together like we did over Christmas break, it is like there has been no lapse in time since our last get together and even though we don't talk every day we know we are both a phone call away and will be ready to run to other if needed.
Hope actually takes naps now! My last post at 8 months, she was not taking regularly scheduled naps. She takes one nap at daycare and on the weekends or on my days off she will take two! One the morning around 9:30 and one in the afternoon around 2:00. They are anywhere from 1.5 to 2 hrs. That in itself is a miracle!
I am going to try to post more often than once a year - not so much for gaining readers (ha!) but just to chronicle Hope's life and memories with her. I realize so much has happened that has not been recorded. Considering I will be 62 when she is 20, I need something to help me remember when she asks me what she was like as a baby, toddler etc. So here is to a New Year and a fresh start at blogging!
12/11/09
Eight Months
I know this is out of sequence to catching up to present day, but I wanted to write down some of Hope's milestones so I would remember. I wasn't able to really do this before - when Hope was born at 3 weeks she had Colic and Acid Reflux till about 4.5 months and spent much of her time crying. Those days really are a blur, you can just ask Auntie Heather.
Hope at eight months you:
*Just learned to click your tongue and are quite proud of yourself for doing so.
*You can sit up without assistance and lean forward or to the side to reach for toys and return to
your sitting position. Although you cannot bring yourself to the sit up position, Momma has to sit you down.
You do not like to roll over or be on your tummy for too long. You get very fussy about it.
*You cannot crawl yet and have no teeth.
*You weigh 17 lbs., wear size 6-9 mos and are eating three meals a day and love peas. Whenever a
new food is introduced you always make the same sour face and look at me like "ewww, what is this?" But
by the third or fourth day you are use to it and will eat it. You are still nursing a lot, only supplemented with
formula if I have to leave you with someone or we will be running errands during a feeding time. You can
hold your bottle by yourself.
*Much to my dismay you are still not on a set sleeping schedule, napping is random and not for very long.
You do good if your nap is an hour and a half. You use to sleep from 9pm to 5am uninterrupted but now
wake up at 1:00 am for a few minutes - long enough for me to give you your pacifier and rub your back.
*You love your jolly jumper and have outgrown your bouncy seat.
*Lola our bulldog loves you and you laugh when she kisses you.
*You flap your arms and legs when you get excited and babble up a storm.
*You grab everything in reach and will grab food from our hands.
*Sometimes when looking at a person you will squint your eyes like your thinking something serious about
them.
*You are getting much better at playing by yourself on the floor or in the play pen for a little bit so mom can
do a household chore.
*You do not fuss as much when we are going out running errands and like the distractions of being out of the
house.
*You are generally happy and love to get kisses and hugs, we have just started Eskimo kisses and you think
they are funny. Like your Daddy, you do not have any patience. If you don't get what you want when you
want it, look out - the whole world knows you are not happy.
*Your best time of day is first thing in the morning, you are very happy then.
*In church on Sundays, you stare at your Uncle Mark leading worship. You are just captivated the whole
time he is singing. You are doing really well now when you go to nursery. They have not had to come get
me for awhile now.
Your Momma, Daddy, and Big Sister love you so much and are really enjoying watching you grow. We cannot wait to experience your first Christmas!
Hope at eight months you:
*Just learned to click your tongue and are quite proud of yourself for doing so.
*You can sit up without assistance and lean forward or to the side to reach for toys and return to
your sitting position. Although you cannot bring yourself to the sit up position, Momma has to sit you down.
You do not like to roll over or be on your tummy for too long. You get very fussy about it.
*You cannot crawl yet and have no teeth.
*You weigh 17 lbs., wear size 6-9 mos and are eating three meals a day and love peas. Whenever a
new food is introduced you always make the same sour face and look at me like "ewww, what is this?" But
by the third or fourth day you are use to it and will eat it. You are still nursing a lot, only supplemented with
formula if I have to leave you with someone or we will be running errands during a feeding time. You can
hold your bottle by yourself.
*Much to my dismay you are still not on a set sleeping schedule, napping is random and not for very long.
You do good if your nap is an hour and a half. You use to sleep from 9pm to 5am uninterrupted but now
wake up at 1:00 am for a few minutes - long enough for me to give you your pacifier and rub your back.
*You love your jolly jumper and have outgrown your bouncy seat.
*Lola our bulldog loves you and you laugh when she kisses you.
*You flap your arms and legs when you get excited and babble up a storm.
*You grab everything in reach and will grab food from our hands.
*Sometimes when looking at a person you will squint your eyes like your thinking something serious about
them.
*You are getting much better at playing by yourself on the floor or in the play pen for a little bit so mom can
do a household chore.
*You do not fuss as much when we are going out running errands and like the distractions of being out of the
house.
*You are generally happy and love to get kisses and hugs, we have just started Eskimo kisses and you think
they are funny. Like your Daddy, you do not have any patience. If you don't get what you want when you
want it, look out - the whole world knows you are not happy.
*Your best time of day is first thing in the morning, you are very happy then.
*In church on Sundays, you stare at your Uncle Mark leading worship. You are just captivated the whole
time he is singing. You are doing really well now when you go to nursery. They have not had to come get
me for awhile now.
Your Momma, Daddy, and Big Sister love you so much and are really enjoying watching you grow. We cannot wait to experience your first Christmas!
12/7/09
And I Digress......
I thought I was going to be able to share what I wanted to about my testimony and get caught up to present day blogging in one blog but as my husband would say "there is no short story with you". When I am telling a story I tend to get caught up in details, I like to give background information so you get the picture as I see it. Again, I don't know if that is being a woman or being French or both!
After recovering from the shock of being laid off at 3 months pregnant, we prayed about what my next move would be. I immediately signed up for unemployment - figuring with an economy starting to crumble, the prospect of getting an office job at 3 months pregnant and already showing was going to be difficult as any employer would know my time would limited. It is a little uneasy when a prospective employer asks you how much morning sickness do you get and how much time did I expect to take off once the child was born. One employer declined saying that by the time I was trained, I would be leaving and it wouldn't be worth their money or time. Which I could totally see that. I still continued to look without much success.
The thought of impending maternity expenses started to overtake my brain. I was let go from a $17.00/hr job down to $6.+ change which is what unemployment equals to if you divide it by 40 hrs. I tried not to panic. While joyous at the thought of our baby, Andrew and I kept telling ourselves, "God is not surprised by this, He knew this was going to happen before I was even pregnant. He has a plan!" We just didn't know what that was. It is amazing how at the time you don't see God's hands all over it, till hindsight kicks in. Some people may say coincidence, karma, etc...
But I don't.
As I was starting to outgrow my clothes, my cousin who had twins the year before called me and asked if I was in need of maternity clothes. "Um Yes!!!" She said she had 3 big bags and to come get them! Some of them still had tags! Thank you Jesus!
A few months later, my husband was let go from his job and I still was unemployed with an ever expanding belly. One day as I panicking over insurance deductibles and upcoming expenses, the Lord really spoke to my heart and said "Look at all I have done so far - beginning with the maternity clothes. One thing at a time, Michelle." It was the first time in my life where I really had to totally depend on God to meet our needs. I always admired people who were in the ministry and lived by "Faith". I would see how God would provide for them and just think it must be an amazing thing to totally depend on God like that. Ever since then it has been amazing at how He has provided. From that point forward God really worked! It amazed me how every. single. one. of our needs were met. I look back over that time like a strand of pearls, each pearl representing a need God met. Whenever things start to look bleak, my husband and I remind ourselves to look at that strand of pearls and say "He would not have brought us this far, if He did not have a plan."
My husband became employed two months before I was due to deliver and is still there. Hope entered this life in April and is now going on eight months - which I have been blessed to be home for ALL eight months. It has been a transition for me - having worked full time for the last 20+ years and now to be home with a precious gift. Again, we have been blessed that it has worked out financially for me to stay home and pray that it can continue.
After recovering from the shock of being laid off at 3 months pregnant, we prayed about what my next move would be. I immediately signed up for unemployment - figuring with an economy starting to crumble, the prospect of getting an office job at 3 months pregnant and already showing was going to be difficult as any employer would know my time would limited. It is a little uneasy when a prospective employer asks you how much morning sickness do you get and how much time did I expect to take off once the child was born. One employer declined saying that by the time I was trained, I would be leaving and it wouldn't be worth their money or time. Which I could totally see that. I still continued to look without much success.
The thought of impending maternity expenses started to overtake my brain. I was let go from a $17.00/hr job down to $6.+ change which is what unemployment equals to if you divide it by 40 hrs. I tried not to panic. While joyous at the thought of our baby, Andrew and I kept telling ourselves, "God is not surprised by this, He knew this was going to happen before I was even pregnant. He has a plan!" We just didn't know what that was. It is amazing how at the time you don't see God's hands all over it, till hindsight kicks in. Some people may say coincidence, karma, etc...
But I don't.
As I was starting to outgrow my clothes, my cousin who had twins the year before called me and asked if I was in need of maternity clothes. "Um Yes!!!" She said she had 3 big bags and to come get them! Some of them still had tags! Thank you Jesus!
A few months later, my husband was let go from his job and I still was unemployed with an ever expanding belly. One day as I panicking over insurance deductibles and upcoming expenses, the Lord really spoke to my heart and said "Look at all I have done so far - beginning with the maternity clothes. One thing at a time, Michelle." It was the first time in my life where I really had to totally depend on God to meet our needs. I always admired people who were in the ministry and lived by "Faith". I would see how God would provide for them and just think it must be an amazing thing to totally depend on God like that. Ever since then it has been amazing at how He has provided. From that point forward God really worked! It amazed me how every. single. one. of our needs were met. I look back over that time like a strand of pearls, each pearl representing a need God met. Whenever things start to look bleak, my husband and I remind ourselves to look at that strand of pearls and say "He would not have brought us this far, if He did not have a plan."
My husband became employed two months before I was due to deliver and is still there. Hope entered this life in April and is now going on eight months - which I have been blessed to be home for ALL eight months. It has been a transition for me - having worked full time for the last 20+ years and now to be home with a precious gift. Again, we have been blessed that it has worked out financially for me to stay home and pray that it can continue.
12/1/09
In my womb
“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb I chose you. .” - Jeremiah 1:5
There is a huge generation gap between my two daughters. I had my first one when I was 18 just out of high school. I had always wanted to have more children but it just didn't work out - till now. My husband and I had been married for six years, together for eight when we finally decided to try.
I am a baby crazy person. All the women in my family are. We just love babies. I could not walk through a department store and go by the baby section without stopping and just oooing over everything. My husband and I would talk about whether or not we should have a baby on and off for six years. Most of the time he opposed but on an occasion he would entertain the thought. Once and awhile he would even bring it up first. After he became saved, he asked me if I really wanted another one this late in the game. I said I did and that he must as well or else the conversation would.never.come.up. Seriously, if two people didn't want a baby they wouldn't talk about it or have to reassure themselves that they really didn't. His response was, "well, pray about it". I just clicked my tongue and said, "Ok, but you have no idea what you are opening yourself up to" and that was the end of that.
I started to seriously pray, not "Please Lord give me a baby" but "Lord, ONLY if it is YOUR will for us, not because it is my heart's desire". The one thing we both felt was an important issue was that I would be able to stay home and raise this child. I did not want to have to place him/her in daycare. So that is what we prayed. We were at lunch one Saturday at Chili's and toward the end of our meal, out of the blue Andrew blurts out "I think we should try to have a baby". I just stared at him in complete silence, swallowing my last bite I said, "Babe, don't mess with me about that". He says, "Seriously, I think we should". "When do you start up on your birth control again?" I said, "Tomorrow." "When we get home, throw them out." I said, "Okaaaay". I wasn't quite sure what to think in regards to his change of attitude. I was a little stunned and in disbelief. We get home and I toss the pills. I explained to him that it will take some time for the pill to leave my system so nothing will probably happen for at least four months. Which was fine by me, because I wanted to start running again to lose some weight as I was roughly 40 pounds overweight.
Three weeks later my husband asks me when I was due to start my cycle, I said today (which was a Friday). He says "I think you need to take a test". I said, "I am not even late, why waste money on a test when I am probably going to start in two days and I don't feel like I am pregnant." He says, "No, you have been acting really strange this last week and it is not PMS, there just something off about you. Pick up a test while on your way to get dinner" and my 23 year old agrees with him, "Yeah Mom, you have been in La La land lately - really foggy". Which is so not like me. So I go to pick up hamburgers at Wendy's for dinner and stop at the drugstore. I come home, give everyone their food and quietly go to the bathroom (Andy and Rachel don't know that I am going to take the test). I wait..... I go back in the bathroom. I stare down at it. Positive. WHAT??!! It only has been three weeks! I have been on the pill for years...I thought I had time. I just stared at myself in the mirror and stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes knowing at that moment I was the only one who knew. I thought of what changes this would bring to our lives.
How it would change the dynamics of our family.
I calmly walk out out of the bathroom with the test stick and sit beside my husband on the couch who is eating his burger and watching TV. I set the test stick on the coffee table and sit back and say to him "Well, what do you think about that??" He looks at the test stick and turns to me and says, "Oh, I am sorry honey, we can try next month" and goes back to eating his Baconater. I say, "No, look again. Pink means I am pregnant." He looks again and drops his burger and just stares at me. "You're pregnant? You just went off the pill?!" "I know......" I said. We both just sat there for a few minutes in silence looking at each other and then we broke out in big grins and started laughing.
We decided to not tell anyone for a day or two and just let it soak in - with the exception of his mother - he can deny it all he wants, but he is kind of a momma's boy ;) At the time this happened, we both were employed. I had been at my job for two years, it was going well and I made pretty good money for our area. He was just starting a new one. Seeing as I worked in accounting, the first thing I did was start running numbers - insurance co pays, deductibles, saving for maternity leave, etc. I had a plan, it was all figured out. That was the problem "I" had the plan - didn't check in with God. It was like "Ok God, this GREAT! You gave us a baby, I will take it from here"
First thing not included in my plan was we had a benefits meeting at work and was told because of the crumbling economy (I worked in commercial roofing) our benefits were being changed - from $1,000.00 deductible to a $5,000.00 deductible that $4,000.00 difference was part of my maternity leave. I start there numb with my little round belly, telling myself "Don't cry, don't cry....not in front of them. This is not their fault, they are doing what they have to do to keep their doors open." Then a month later the next thing not part of my plan was I laid off. I remember sitting there again - numb, just looking at them, nodding, inside my head saying "this is not happening, not happening - so not part of my plan" I didn't feel anger, sadness, just disbelief. I said, "Lord, I don't know what is going on, but I know you were not surprised by this and you ARE in control" Needless to say my husband didn't have the same reaction at first. He didn't believe me until I showed my lovely letter of recommendation of I got from my now previous employer. Then he said, "You know we prayed that you would be able to stay home with the baby and maybe this is the first step toward that. Maybe God knew you wouldn't be able to give them your notice."
I spent the next few days in shock and not sure what to do with myself. I LOVED my job, I LOVED the people I worked with and for. I would out of blue burst into tears about this - even in the middle of the grocery store. I knew God had a plan, I just didn't know what. And that was the hard part for me - not knowing ahead of time how all this would work out. I suppose if we knew ahead of time then it wouldn't be called FAITH would it?
11/21/09
The New Beginning
I have sat and tried several times to get this blog written, but always seem to get interrupted or I cannot seem to get what I want to say to come out right. One of my problems is I over analyze. I will write something then look at it and then scratch it and start over. I tend to get caught up in details, a little obsessive compulsive....
What I wanted to share of my testimony is that I have been saved since I was eight years old and have had a couple spaces of time in my life where I walked away, not saying I abandoned my faith or what I believed, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I felt like I could still have my beliefs, still pray and be a christian without being involved in "organized religion". I had gotten to a point where I felt I was always being put into this mold...Michelle the wife, Michelle the mother, Michelle the junior church worker, always being there, living up to expectations. I went to church three times a week faithfully and was involved in whatever there was to be - drama, christmas and easter programs, children's church, nursery. I was quite content for quite a while, although the whole time I didn't feel close to God - I believed, I worshiped, but I never actually felt totally dependent on Him. I was always a do it myself type of person. I figured that's what God gave me a brain for, for me to use and figure out my life's problems.
It wasn't until two years ago that my husband and I hit a brick wall hard and fast - at the time I was still not going to church, he was not saved and had never seen the inside of a church really. I was at a crossroad as to what to do with my marriage. Having been a person easily dependent and influenced by extended family members, I shut them out this time. My mind told me I wanted to leave but something inside me said "stay". I didn't understand why I would want to. I decided to go to a counselor. He knew my background and asked me if I thought about going back to church and I said I hadn't. It was suggested that I go. With things still rocky at home, I started looking at churches online. I wanted to find one that was interdenominational and somewhat small. I knew it had to be intimate in the event my husband might want to go someday. Given his personality he would not do well in a large church . While searching online I kept coming back to Grace Covenant (home of EspeciallyHeather). I decided to go check them out.
I told my husband that the following Sunday I was going to church. I would not nag him or ask him repeatedly to come but at anytime he wanted he was welcome to come with me. I went to Grace and it was exactly what I was looking for. They took me in with open arms and have never let go. I knew I found home. About four weeks into me going my husband came to the end of his rope and with tears in his eyes he told me he just feels so lost and doesn't know what to do. (Prior to this we have had many discussions about God and religion and church. He use to ask me if I believed there was a God, a heaven and a hell and I always answered yes. He would then ask if I was going to Heaven, I would say I am pretty sure I am although I know God isn't happy with my life right now. Then he would ask, "Am I going to hell?" and I would say, "yes, yes you are." "you're mean!" he would say. I told him I was just telling him the truth.) When he came to and said he felt so lost, I told him he needed to go to church.
The next Sunday he came with me and was scared out of his mind. So afraid of being judged and looked down upon. Grace took in him with open arms and loved on him. Every Sunday he would say to me, "Why are they so nice to me? They don't know me, I am not a nice person." I would say they are loving you like Jesus loves you. He went for about six or seven Sundays, thinking this was all good, he would go and listen to the sermon and leave feeling good. One Sunday he went and an invitation to be saved was given, with our heads bowed I prayed, "Please dear Lord, if he didn't raise his hand, do not let him make this his last Sunday" I was afraid he would have felt being put on the spot (seeing he was the only one who was there that wasn't saved so it was kind of obvious who the alter call was for). The prayer ended and we were dismissed, I looked up at him and he just said "we need to go, now" I'm like okay.... We get in the car and he literally bursts into tears sobbing and says he doesn't know what is wrong with him but he feels so awful, so guilty for all the wrong things he has done in his life. He asks how come every Sunday before this he had felt good and today not so much. I explained to him that the Holy Spirit was convicting him and he had two choices - 1. repent and accept Jesus or 2. deny Him, which I said really wasn't an option. We went home and knelt beside our bed and prayed the sinner's prayer. Again he was sobbing and asked how come no one had ever told him about Jesus before this. I said you probably were not ready to hear it. He said he couldn't believe how much better he felt, like a huge weight had been lifted.
During this time that all this going on, particularly right before he got saved, I felt I was alone. I felt like I really couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on without getting "you know what you need to do...." especially my family. It was then that I just fell flat on my face and said "Lord, I'm yours. Whatever it is you want me to do, I will do. I cannot walk this life with me being in control." It will be two years this January that my husband has been saved and while we are not the "Honeymooners" life is good! What God has done in our lives and how He has made himself so real to us is amazing!!
What I wanted to share of my testimony is that I have been saved since I was eight years old and have had a couple spaces of time in my life where I walked away, not saying I abandoned my faith or what I believed, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I felt like I could still have my beliefs, still pray and be a christian without being involved in "organized religion". I had gotten to a point where I felt I was always being put into this mold...Michelle the wife, Michelle the mother, Michelle the junior church worker, always being there, living up to expectations. I went to church three times a week faithfully and was involved in whatever there was to be - drama, christmas and easter programs, children's church, nursery. I was quite content for quite a while, although the whole time I didn't feel close to God - I believed, I worshiped, but I never actually felt totally dependent on Him. I was always a do it myself type of person. I figured that's what God gave me a brain for, for me to use and figure out my life's problems.
It wasn't until two years ago that my husband and I hit a brick wall hard and fast - at the time I was still not going to church, he was not saved and had never seen the inside of a church really. I was at a crossroad as to what to do with my marriage. Having been a person easily dependent and influenced by extended family members, I shut them out this time. My mind told me I wanted to leave but something inside me said "stay". I didn't understand why I would want to. I decided to go to a counselor. He knew my background and asked me if I thought about going back to church and I said I hadn't. It was suggested that I go. With things still rocky at home, I started looking at churches online. I wanted to find one that was interdenominational and somewhat small. I knew it had to be intimate in the event my husband might want to go someday. Given his personality he would not do well in a large church . While searching online I kept coming back to Grace Covenant (home of EspeciallyHeather). I decided to go check them out.
I told my husband that the following Sunday I was going to church. I would not nag him or ask him repeatedly to come but at anytime he wanted he was welcome to come with me. I went to Grace and it was exactly what I was looking for. They took me in with open arms and have never let go. I knew I found home. About four weeks into me going my husband came to the end of his rope and with tears in his eyes he told me he just feels so lost and doesn't know what to do. (Prior to this we have had many discussions about God and religion and church. He use to ask me if I believed there was a God, a heaven and a hell and I always answered yes. He would then ask if I was going to Heaven, I would say I am pretty sure I am although I know God isn't happy with my life right now. Then he would ask, "Am I going to hell?" and I would say, "yes, yes you are." "you're mean!" he would say. I told him I was just telling him the truth.) When he came to and said he felt so lost, I told him he needed to go to church.
The next Sunday he came with me and was scared out of his mind. So afraid of being judged and looked down upon. Grace took in him with open arms and loved on him. Every Sunday he would say to me, "Why are they so nice to me? They don't know me, I am not a nice person." I would say they are loving you like Jesus loves you. He went for about six or seven Sundays, thinking this was all good, he would go and listen to the sermon and leave feeling good. One Sunday he went and an invitation to be saved was given, with our heads bowed I prayed, "Please dear Lord, if he didn't raise his hand, do not let him make this his last Sunday" I was afraid he would have felt being put on the spot (seeing he was the only one who was there that wasn't saved so it was kind of obvious who the alter call was for). The prayer ended and we were dismissed, I looked up at him and he just said "we need to go, now" I'm like okay.... We get in the car and he literally bursts into tears sobbing and says he doesn't know what is wrong with him but he feels so awful, so guilty for all the wrong things he has done in his life. He asks how come every Sunday before this he had felt good and today not so much. I explained to him that the Holy Spirit was convicting him and he had two choices - 1. repent and accept Jesus or 2. deny Him, which I said really wasn't an option. We went home and knelt beside our bed and prayed the sinner's prayer. Again he was sobbing and asked how come no one had ever told him about Jesus before this. I said you probably were not ready to hear it. He said he couldn't believe how much better he felt, like a huge weight had been lifted.
During this time that all this going on, particularly right before he got saved, I felt I was alone. I felt like I really couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on without getting "you know what you need to do...." especially my family. It was then that I just fell flat on my face and said "Lord, I'm yours. Whatever it is you want me to do, I will do. I cannot walk this life with me being in control." It will be two years this January that my husband has been saved and while we are not the "Honeymooners" life is good! What God has done in our lives and how He has made himself so real to us is amazing!!
11/3/09
Testing.. is this thing on?
My best friend Especially Heather keeps telling me I should start blogging. I follow quite a few blogs daily and never thought of myself having anything interesting to blog about. I don't consider myself funny or witty and my husband tells me I write like I talk. So if you read this, it will be just like I was talking to you directly I guess, maybe it is because I am French - who knows? After thinking about it for awhile I thought it would be a good way to share what is on my heart and also to capture Hope's development.
An introduction to myself:
My name is Michelle, first and foremost I am a daughter of the King. I am 41 years old, married, have a 23 year old daughter named Rachel and a 8 month old daughter named Hope. Yes, you read that correctly. No, I am not crazy. Just certain circumstances in my life prevented me from having more children until now and I do want one more child. My obstetrician thinks I am crazy for that reason. I am currently a stay at home mom which I feel so blessed to be able to do as I wasn't able to with my first daughter. I find it challenging and rewarding. There are days where I don't get out of my pajamas and feel like I am so not in control of my day and then I have days where I feel like I am "large and in charge". The one big thing God is teaching me through this journey is to let go of being in control and realize that it isn't all about schedules, lists and what I have "accomplished" in the day. (I use to work in accounting, that may explain my personality a little.) It is about being in the moment, the here and now, about being totally dependent on Him, just as my eight month old is on me.
Stay tuned for my testimony and future posts......
An introduction to myself:
My name is Michelle, first and foremost I am a daughter of the King. I am 41 years old, married, have a 23 year old daughter named Rachel and a 8 month old daughter named Hope. Yes, you read that correctly. No, I am not crazy. Just certain circumstances in my life prevented me from having more children until now and I do want one more child. My obstetrician thinks I am crazy for that reason. I am currently a stay at home mom which I feel so blessed to be able to do as I wasn't able to with my first daughter. I find it challenging and rewarding. There are days where I don't get out of my pajamas and feel like I am so not in control of my day and then I have days where I feel like I am "large and in charge". The one big thing God is teaching me through this journey is to let go of being in control and realize that it isn't all about schedules, lists and what I have "accomplished" in the day. (I use to work in accounting, that may explain my personality a little.) It is about being in the moment, the here and now, about being totally dependent on Him, just as my eight month old is on me.
Stay tuned for my testimony and future posts......
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