In my womb

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb  I chose you. .” - Jeremiah 1:5

There is a huge generation gap between my two daughters.  I had my first one when I was 18 just out of high school.  I had always wanted to have more children but it just didn't work out - till now.  My husband and I had been married for six years, together for eight when we finally decided to try.

I am a baby crazy person.  All the women in my family are.  We just love babies. I could not walk through a department store and go by the baby section without stopping and just oooing over everything.  My husband and I would talk about whether or not we should have a baby on and off for six years.  Most of the time he opposed but on an occasion he would entertain the thought.  Once and awhile he would even bring it up first.  After he became saved, he asked me if I really wanted another one this late in the game.  I said I did and that he must as well or else the conversation would.never.come.up.  Seriously, if two people didn't want a baby they wouldn't talk about it or have to reassure themselves that they really didn't.  His response was, "well, pray about it".  I just clicked my tongue and said, "Ok, but you have no idea what you are opening yourself up to" and that was the end of that.

I started to seriously pray, not "Please Lord give me a baby" but "Lord, ONLY if it is YOUR will for us, not because it is my heart's desire".  The one thing we both felt was an important issue was that I would be able to stay home and raise this child.  I did not want to have to place him/her in daycare.  So that is what we prayed.  We were at lunch one Saturday at Chili's and toward the end of our meal, out of the blue Andrew blurts out "I think we should try to have a baby".  I just stared at him in complete silence, swallowing my last bite I said, "Babe, don't mess with me about that".  He says, "Seriously, I think we should".   "When do you start up on your birth control again?"  I said, "Tomorrow."  "When we get home, throw them out."  I said, "Okaaaay".  I wasn't quite sure what to think in regards to his change of attitude.  I was a little stunned and in disbelief.  We get home and I toss the pills.  I explained to him that it will take some time for the pill to leave my system so nothing will probably happen for at least four months.  Which was fine by me, because I wanted to start running again to lose some weight as I was roughly 40 pounds overweight.

Three weeks later my husband asks me when I was due to start my cycle, I said today (which was a Friday).  He says "I think you need to take a test".  I said, "I am not even late, why waste money on a test when I am probably going to start in two days and I don't feel like I am pregnant."  He says, "No, you have been acting really strange this last week and it is not PMS, there just something off about you.  Pick up a test while on your way to get dinner" and my 23 year old agrees with him, "Yeah Mom, you have been in La La land lately - really foggy".  Which is so not like me. So I go to pick up hamburgers at Wendy's for dinner and stop at the drugstore.  I come home, give everyone their food and quietly go to the bathroom (Andy and Rachel don't know that I am going to take the test).  I wait..... I go back in the bathroom.  I stare down at it.  Positive.  WHAT??!!  It only has been three weeks!  I have been on the pill for years...I thought I had time.  I just stared at myself in the mirror and stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes knowing at that moment I was the only one who knew.  I thought of what changes this would bring to our lives. 

How it would change the dynamics of our family. 

I calmly walk out out of the bathroom with the test stick and sit beside my husband on the couch who is eating his burger and watching TV.  I set the test stick on the coffee table and sit back and say to him "Well, what do you think about that??"  He looks at the test stick and turns to me and says, "Oh, I am sorry honey, we can try next month" and goes back to eating his Baconater.  I say, "No, look again.  Pink means I am pregnant."  He looks again and drops his burger and just stares at me.  "You're  pregnant?  You just went off the pill?!"  "I know......" I said.  We both just sat there for a few minutes in silence looking at each other and then we broke out in big grins and started laughing.

We decided to not tell anyone for a day or two and just let it soak in - with the exception of his mother - he can deny it all he wants, but he is kind of a momma's boy ;)  At the time this happened, we both were employed.  I had been at my job for two years, it was going well and I made pretty good money for our area.  He was just starting a new one.   Seeing as I worked in accounting, the first thing I did was start running numbers - insurance co pays, deductibles, saving for maternity leave, etc.  I had a plan, it was all figured out.  That was the problem "I" had the plan - didn't check in with God.  It was like "Ok God, this GREAT! You gave us a baby, I will take it from here"

First thing not included in my plan was we had a benefits meeting at work and was told because of the crumbling economy (I worked in commercial roofing) our benefits were being changed - from $1,000.00 deductible to a $5,000.00 deductible that $4,000.00 difference was part of my maternity leave.  I start there numb with my little round belly, telling myself  "Don't cry, don't cry....not in front of them.  This is not their fault, they are doing what they have to do to keep their doors open."  Then a month later the next thing not part of my plan was I laid off.  I remember sitting there again - numb, just looking at them, nodding, inside my head saying "this is not happening, not happening - so not part of my plan"  I didn't feel anger, sadness, just disbelief.  I said, "Lord, I don't know what is going on, but I know you were not surprised by this and you ARE in control"  Needless to say my husband didn't have the same reaction at first.  He didn't believe me until I showed my lovely letter of recommendation of I got from my now previous employer.    Then he said, "You know we prayed that you would be able to stay home with the baby and maybe this is the first step toward that.  Maybe God knew you wouldn't be able to give them your notice."

I spent the next few days in shock and not sure what to do with myself.  I LOVED my job, I LOVED the people I worked with and for.  I would out of blue burst into tears about this - even in the middle of the grocery store.  I knew God had a plan, I just didn't know what.  And that was the hard part for me - not knowing ahead of time how all this would work out.  I suppose if we knew ahead of time then it wouldn't be called FAITH would it?