The New Beginning

I have sat and tried several times to get this blog written, but always seem to get interrupted or I cannot seem to get what I want to say to come out right.  One of my problems is I over analyze.  I will write something then look at it and then scratch it and start over.  I tend to get caught up in details, a little obsessive compulsive....

What I wanted to share of my testimony is that I have been saved since I was eight years old and have had a couple spaces of time in my life where I walked away, not saying I abandoned my faith or what I believed, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do.  I felt like I could still have my beliefs, still pray and be a christian without being involved in "organized religion".  I had gotten to a point where I felt I was always being put into this mold...Michelle the wife, Michelle the mother, Michelle the junior church worker, always being there, living up to expectations.  I went to church three times a week faithfully and was involved in whatever there was to be - drama, christmas and easter programs, children's church, nursery.  I was quite content for quite a while, although the whole time I didn't feel close to God - I believed, I worshiped, but I never actually felt totally dependent on Him.  I was always a do it myself type of person.  I figured that's what God gave me a brain for, for me to use and figure out my life's problems.

It wasn't until two years ago that my husband and I hit a brick wall hard and fast - at the time I was still not going to church, he was not saved and had never seen the inside of a church really. I was at a crossroad as to what to do with my marriage.  Having been a person easily dependent and influenced by extended family members, I shut them out this time.  My mind told me I wanted to leave but something inside me said "stay".  I didn't understand why I would want to.  I decided to go to a counselor.  He knew my background and asked me if I thought about going back to church and I said I hadn't.  It was suggested that I go.   With things still rocky at home, I started looking at churches online.  I wanted to find one that was interdenominational and somewhat small.  I knew it had to be intimate in the event my husband might want to go someday.  Given his personality he would not do well in a large church .  While searching online I kept coming back to Grace Covenant (home of EspeciallyHeather).  I decided to go check them out. 

I told my husband that the following Sunday I was going to church.  I would not nag him or ask him repeatedly to come but at anytime he wanted he was welcome to come with me.  I went to Grace and it was exactly what I was looking for.  They took me in with open arms and have never let go.  I knew I found home.  About four weeks into me going my husband came to the end of his rope and with tears in his eyes he told me he just feels so lost and doesn't know what to do.  (Prior to this we have had many discussions about God and religion and church.  He use to ask me if I believed there was a God, a heaven and a hell and I always answered yes.  He would then ask if I was going to Heaven, I would say I am pretty sure I am although I know God isn't happy with my life right now.  Then he would ask, "Am I going to hell?"  and I would say, "yes, yes you are."  "you're mean!" he would say.  I told him I was just telling him the truth.)  When he came to and said he felt so lost, I told him he needed to go to church. 

The next Sunday he came with me and was scared out of his mind.  So afraid of being judged and looked down upon.  Grace took in him with open arms and loved on him.  Every Sunday he would say to me, "Why are they so nice to me?  They don't know me, I am not a nice person."  I would say they are loving you like Jesus loves you.  He went for about six or seven Sundays, thinking this was all good, he would go and listen to the sermon and leave feeling good.  One Sunday he went and an invitation to be saved was given, with our heads bowed I prayed, "Please dear Lord, if he didn't raise his hand, do not let him make this his last Sunday"  I was afraid he would have felt being put on the spot (seeing he was the only one who was there that wasn't saved so it was kind of obvious who the alter call was for).  The prayer ended and we were dismissed, I looked up at him and he just said "we need to go, now"  I'm like okay....  We get in the car and he literally bursts into tears sobbing and says he doesn't know what is wrong with him but he feels so awful, so guilty for all the wrong things he has done in his life.  He asks how come every Sunday before this he had felt good and today not so much. I explained to him that the Holy Spirit was convicting him and he had two choices - 1. repent and accept Jesus or 2.  deny Him, which I said really wasn't an option.  We went home and knelt beside our bed and prayed the sinner's prayer.  Again he was sobbing and asked how come no one had ever told him about Jesus before this.  I said you probably were not ready to hear it.  He said he couldn't believe how much better he felt, like a huge weight had been lifted.

During this time that all this going on, particularly right before he got saved, I felt I was alone.  I felt like I really couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on without getting "you know what you need to do...." especially my family.  It was then that I just fell flat on my face and said "Lord, I'm yours.  Whatever it is you want me to do, I will do.  I cannot walk this life with me being in control."  It will be two years this January that my husband has been saved and while we are not the "Honeymooners"  life is good!  What God has done in our lives and how He has made himself so real to us is amazing!!

Testing.. is this thing on?

My best friend Especially Heather keeps telling me I should start blogging. I follow quite a few blogs daily and never thought of myself having anything interesting to blog about. I don't consider myself funny or witty and my husband tells me I write like I talk. So if you read this, it will be just like I was talking to you directly I guess, maybe it is because I am French - who knows? After thinking about it for awhile I thought it would be a good way to share what is on my heart and also to capture Hope's development.

An introduction to myself:

My name is Michelle, first and foremost I am a daughter of the King. I am 41 years old, married, have a 23 year old daughter named Rachel and a 8 month old daughter named Hope. Yes, you read that correctly. No, I am not crazy. Just certain circumstances in my life prevented me from having more children until now and I do want one more child. My obstetrician thinks I am crazy for that reason. I am currently a stay at home mom which I feel so blessed to be able to do as I wasn't able to with my first daughter. I find it challenging and rewarding. There are days where I don't get out of my pajamas and feel like I am so not in control of my day and then I have days where I feel like I am "large and in charge". The one big thing God is teaching me through this journey is to let go of being in control and realize that it isn't all about schedules, lists and what I have "accomplished" in the day. (I use to work in accounting, that may explain my personality a little.) It is about being in the moment, the here and now, about being totally dependent on Him, just as my eight month old is on me.

Stay tuned for my testimony and future posts......